Crash out queen

I feel as if my whole adult life has been a period of limbo, every time I feel as if I’m about to leave it, something causes me to trip back into the midst of it. Part of me is confident that this is a period of growth, but I’ve been growing for 5 years and I am growing tired. I had a tarot reading done for me the other week that spoke as if my life had a count sequence of 1234567-, which felt as if it was a dance count or a musical count, which also stopped short of starting at 8. It was a pattern that she’s seen occur a lot in what my cards described, I was constantly just short of SOMETHING starting.

Which let me tell you, that feels a lot like my life (or at least my adult life). I keep thinking I’m about to hit a breakthrough, something good feels as if it is brewing and suddenly something changes. I have self sabotaging tendencies which I know could be to blame… Its almost like I don’t want to succeed or have this growth period end and lead to something new? Which for anyone who has known me for 10+ years, is such a hard thing to come to terms with. I was always a high achieve in school and university, but ever since Covid happened, I feel like I lost my ‘spark’, my aspirations, my direction in life. I walk around in circles, confused, wondering - what’s next? When will the count up finally hit 8 and I can start? When does this limbo end?

According to my neurology chart, I should be entering a new period in my 27th year, so 10 months to go I guess? But for someone who seeks so much reassurance and direction from the stars and the cards, how can I set myself up for this? Should I study again? Should I intern somewhere? Should I pack up and move, reinvent myself? But as someone who is scared of being in this limbo for much longer, what if that doesn’t help? Oops, that’s probably my self sabotaging again. Have I mentioned how much I struggle with that yet?

How do I respond to these periods of rest or idleness? I could sum that up very quickly - not well. I often find myself itching for more, for something new, for something better. But I guess what if this is the best it can be for right now? Can I find the comfort, the peace or the beauty in the stillness? What can I do to stop feeling ‘stale’, to stop seeking the ‘what’s next?’

I guess we can say my relationship with the unknown isn’t great, not only do I resist it, I fear it. Growing up my favourite saying was ‘If you stand for nothing, you fall for everything’ - Alexander Hamilton. I think that is where my fear of the unknown sits to an extent. Am I falling for things I shouldn’t be? The empty promises? The ‘if you stay, things will get better’. I guess I have never really had security in idleness.

Whenever I start to get comfortable, things change, situations change and suddenly I’m back into fight or flight mode. I wish I could find inspiration in the unknown, I wish I could embrace her for the beauty of what she may bring, but instead, I find fear. I want to define the ‘relationship’ with everyone and everything. I yearn to know more than I have a right to. I yearn. I’m a yearner.